Thursday, April 15, 2010

Manberry's Law

Shortly after uploading my previous post I got some interesting feedback. Particularly, of all the content of that post, regarding my assertion that myself and other Australian men typically possess more than the two testicles standard to the rest of the world. And, by extension, the heightened risk of testicular cancer that would accompany such crotch-endowment. I began to respond, citing the well-known Manberry Theorum that deals with this matter. Instead, however, I'm choosing to expound the entirety of Manberry's Law to you, my strange, twisted readership.

Manberry's Law

1st Premise: As an individual's Testes Count (nT) increases (see figure 1), there is a direct linear increase in the potential risk of cancerous cell growth (pC).

2nd Premise: As the testes count increases, so increases the subject's capacity to kick death in the face (see Figure 2) so hard that a full-grown human must suddenly pop into existence somewhere in the world just to balance out the universe, a process called Dedeath (ref A. Alpine, Dedeath, Dedying and the Dedead, 1973. pp 51-269), by a factor of 1.26 (rounded).

Representing this data graphically (see figure 3) we can clearly observe these distributions, and from the intercept point conclude that, external factors notwithstanding, the optimum quantity of nuts is roughly 7.

Figure 1: Subject with three balls.

Figure 2: Kicking the fuck out of the Grim Reaper (r. Animae)

Figure 3:

Wait, does the size of the ball matter? Probably! You want me to cover everything? Find anyone more qualified in this field than me. Find ANYONE else qualified. Frankly, this is the most ridiculous branch of science I've ever seen and we're all poorer for having sat through this farsical waste of a $700,000 research grant.

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