So, in my inimitable style of jumping on bandwagons mere seconds before they wheel away into irrelevance, I checked out chatroulette last night. If you’re even later to the party than me, it’s a website that anonymously connects two strangers with webcams from anywhere in the world. There’s no login, no usernames, just a text window (in which you receive the generic appellations Stranger, and You), a window showing your own webcam output, and a window showing that of potentially anyone in the world. The only other notable feature is the prominent “Next” button, which instantaneously disconnects from your current partner and randomly connects you to another. In practice, this happens very rapidly, giving a strong impression that you’re sitting in a figurative roulette wheel. And what you see in this fleeting progression of live images is mostly dicks.
While in my brief foray I did see my fair share of wang, mostly in extreme close up that the only other visible region of their owners were their sagging paunches wobbling vigorously to the rhythm of frantic masturbation. A couple of these phalli even came attached to bodies otherwise ostensibly female. And there were a nice young couple from Portugal, a lovely gentleman from France and a Sicilian mailman whose broken English stood only slight impedance to what was a very friendly conversation. See? It’s not all bad.
One strange American fellow caught my attention in an exchange I felt had to be recorded. After the initial pleasantries, the greeting and ‘where are you from?’, he put forth the notion that there are not enough dicks on Chatroulette.
Here is the log starting from that point, unabridged but for my addition of italics for ease of reading.
Stranger: I hear they have big dicks in Australia
You: Yes, yes we do.
You: So how’s the weather in Virginia?
Stranger: I wanna see yours gaga
You: You what? You want to see my dick?
You: You realise you’re on Chatroulette. If you want to see a dick just hit Next, I’m literally the only male on this site wearing pants.
Stranger: I’ll show you mine
Stranger: I’ve never seen an Aussie one tho
You: Well they’re just like everyone else’s, except with a few more balls underneath
You: Average is five. I’ve only got four, but that’s the hand genetics dealt me.
Stranger: Just a peek
You: You first
Stranger: Then you’ll show me after?
You: Haha fuck no!
You: Noone sees my shit for free. Not even my wife. True, she only pays a nominal, token fee that I give straight back to her, but it’s the principle.
Stranger: I’ll pay
You: Give me your paypal details and we’ll talk
Stranger holds a green banknote up to his camera
You: Wait, American currency? I don’t want that bullshit
Stranger: Haha true
You: I need euros man. You hold a 10 euro note up to the screen and I’ll whip out my dong right now
Stranger: I don’t have any euros
You: Sorry dude, no euro, no weeno.